This is something I've been meaning to write about for almost two months and for some reason I can't bring myself to do it. My friends and I talk about it ALL OF THE TIME, sometimes to the point where it borders on sad and we sit and sigh quietly to ourselves. After talking in circles about it forever blogging about it seemed unnecessary. But I want to write about it. And it's 2 a.m. and the Mexican restaurant is doing what it does best-annoy me with loud Mexican music. I already wrote five pages of my pilot (only 22 more to go! Sad.). Why not delve into this?
All we* do is talk about boys. It seems weird and silly to ever talk about marriage or who we're supposed to end up with, but that's what we do. Often. And it seems a lot of us think we know who that person is. That's what's freaking me out. Not so much that I think I know whom myself, but that others can relate to my experience with their own. Okay, it probably sounds hokey and ridiculous for me to believe there is this person in my life that I should be with/end up with. At the same time it's hard to ignore all the little things that add up making it seem right. This entry is so vague. A lot of this stems from one of my super close friends getting married this summer. She's the first person I know, in my age range, to get married. There are also a bunch of people I went to high school with who are now engaged (the boy who took my virginity included). Aren't we still too young for this? I think yes, but given the opportunity, I would totally be with this non-descript male entity I speak. It's as though the universe is saying to us that we are indeed too young. Not we, me, I'm too young. He's 30. That's also young to be married. I wouldn't dream of being married until at least then. Apparently most of my friends see me getting hitched sooner than that. UGH.
*It should be public knowledge/obvious
that 98% of my friends are gay men and girls.
The thing that is probably bothering me the most is the concept of being with him is so far implanted in my head now, and has been in certain variations for years that what if it doesn't happen? He was around to hear about the few boyfriends I've had, while in the relationship. I'm aware of the women in his life. Nothing is ever serious though, in either of our cases. The idea of him being romantically involved with someone else bothers me to no end. As though all these years meant nothing and that after waiting for him to be close enough physically (location wise), mentally and emotionally to be with someone, he chooses another girl. I feel like everyone I'm with is there to pass the time. Have some fun with and further prove that there is someone else out there I'd rather be with. Fortunately I know who that person is.
Only time will tell what will happen. On the other end of the spectrum how weird will it be if everything works out? That this person I randomly met when I was 15 was the person meant to be in my life forever? Stranger things have happened I suppose. Although our whole story is pretty odd. I'll look back on this entry and not understand what point I was trying to make. As I finish this I have no idea. It felt necessary to put it out in the universe though, more so than it already is.