Tuesday, December 22, 2009

In Case I Stand One Little Chance

I haven't had a pathetic girl night home alone in a very long time. I'm sure many of you, including my subconscious would beg to differ and would say that every night (and day) of my life is a pathetic girl night. While this is partially true, I haven't sat around being depressed and drinking along since I lived by myself. The good ol' days. I'm actually not depressed, I got bored and wanted to take a break from writing my parent's Christmas presents so I decided to eat something. Then I realized I have a whole refrigerator full of beer from the party we had on Sunday. After popping one open I saw that "He's Just Not That Into You" had just begun on t.v. I forgot how I told myself I'd never watch that movie because I live it. So I watched it. And it was the most depressing movie ever. I'm surprised I didn't cry. That movie is my life. I am every single one of those women characters. UGH. It didn't help that I was already drinking alone. This is what suicides are made of. That movie made me never want to date again. Ever. Then I kept thinking about Mr. Big, and how I'm back to wondering when I'll hear from him. It was so good for a month and a half not to be waiting. Yet at the same time I rather have him in my life than not. Can I be an exception and not a rule? I always thought our entire friendship was an exception and not a rule and that's why I've known him for all this years.
Onto a completely random subject. I can't believe that Christmas Eve is in two days. Where does time go? I'm kind of dreading working New Year's Eve, for whatever reason I don't think it's going to be fun like last year. Plus I keep repeatedly playing Ella Fitzgerald's version of "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve," and it makes me wish I was doing something fabulous with someone wonderful. I haven't gotten a kiss at midnight since I was 19. Potentially I could make decent money though, and I'll be drinking while I'm there, so I guess it's not a total bust.
I wish I knew where my camera disappeared to Sunday night.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

My Life Does Suck Without You

It's safe to say that I must have some emotionally manic disorder. I can feel so much one day and nothing at all the next. Maybe I've finally been able to cope with the reality of a certain situation and instead of wasting my energy agonizing over it for days or weeks, I'm over it a few hours later. I suppose that's better? Eventually I'll stop using my blog to bitch about men, but at least they've got me writing in this thing again. Something good come with something bad. I never cease to be amazed with how the universe allows for things to work out. Last week I was crazy about one person, then it becomes clear what was happening with that person is over. I was telling a co-worker of mine all about it. Afterwards she asked if I had heard from Mr. Big. I told her no, not in almost two months. That he never responded to an e-mail. She said she was sorry to hear that and that it sucks since we've known each other for so long. I then go to check my phone, who do I have an e-mail from? Yep. What were the chances that immediately following the unnravelment of my last, I don't know what to even call it, fling, I hear from him? I thought it took having him out of my life was what allowed me to meet new people and even genuinely like someone. (Then again, how much can you really like someone who already has a girlfriend?) It's strange how it always comes back to him. Even earlier that day I was thinking about how I have absolutely no one, not even Mr. Big, who was always there. Then poof, he's back. I have to wonder if he even received my last e-mail. If he did, then what took so long? If not, then I'm glad I inadvertantly looked like a strong woman who had had enough and ignored him.
I'm worried that things will go right back to how they were. Knowing how they were should make me prevent myself from feeling any frustration again. Argh. It always comes back to you, doesn't it? Your timing with this e-mail was eerily perfect. I had said that watch six months from now, after not hearing from Mr. Big the entire time I'll meet someone I'm mad about, and will have settled into some sort of relationship and that's when I'll hear from him and everything will turn dramatic like in a movie. And then I'd be forced to choose. And there'd be screaming and tears and kissing in the rain. Because that's what happens in movies! The likelihood of that actually happening in real life is slim, since it would take both me meeting someone who actually wants to be with me and is capable of committing, AND Mr. Big declaring his love for me. We're all allowed to have our fantasties, damnit.
So here I am again. I wish I could let go of this dream that one day we'll end up together. The past six months should have been enough for me to give it up. And I thought I had. But all it took was for you to be upset that I didn't want to talk to you anymore, that I've been out of your life completely for almost two months, to bring it all back. Of course now I'm waiting to hear back from you. And so it begins again. Good grief. I really need to stop switching between first and second person. At least my nonsense makes sense to me, that's all that matters anyway.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Kiss me just once more before we get there

Why am I okay with the prospect of never hearing from you again? You said you need time to think, but I was also really drunk and can only remember being dramatic and angry. I told you that you needed to leave so I could cry. You left for other reasons. But I still cried anyway. I haven't done that in awhile. It felt good in all the wrong ways but surprisingly it was cleansing. And I'm okay now. My roommate says that the minute I hear from you the cycle will begin again. He's right. And I'm an idiot. And I wish I wouldn't write about you in vague, meaningless blog posts. I wish none of this ever began. My life could have continued on and your only role in it would be to pour me a drink every now and then. I shouldn't want to be with someone who blames me for disrupting his life, his relationship by my mere existence. I think it's universally accepted that if you're completely happy in your situation you can easily resist temptation. One doesn't have to be miserable to throw it all away, but something must be missing. Why must we be afraid of taking risks? Now you're not talking to me because you need time to think. Something you claim you haven't truly done over the situation. Hopefully you ask yourself the question I've posed to you constantly. It shouldn't be as difficult to answer and you're making it be. You had your cake, you've eaten it. More than once. And now focus on the reality of what's happening. It's probably safe to assume you won't be coming to my party.

I'm going to look back on all these posts in a month, a year, and hate myself for ever thinking these things and actually putting them into words. So it goes.

Reading Hemingway at the moment. Not helping-

"You musn't. You must know. I can't stand it[You touching me], that's all. Oh darling, please understand!"
"Don't you love me?"
"Love you? I simply turn to jelly when you touch me."
"Isn't there anything we can do about it?...And there's not a damn thing we could do," I said.
"I don't know," she said. "I don't want to go through that hell again."
"We better keep away from each other."
"But, darling, I have to see you. It isn't all that you know."
"No, but it always gets to be."
"That's my fault. Don't we pay for all the things we do, though?"

Friday, December 11, 2009

You Really Got a Hold on Me

I'm frightened by how much I like you. What's even scarier is the fact that for the first time in five, six years, you like me just as much. Maybe even more. My usual tendencies of worrying whether or not you'll call never came to fruition. Even last week, when I did freak out, it ended up being for nothing. That's how engrained let down is in me. It's par for the course. But now, in some miraculous twist of, I don't know, fate? Is that too strong of a word? In the screwed up way the universe works I no longer feel doubt. While I'm extremely lucky at how things have been turning out, they're no where near perfect. With my luck always comes misfortune. I can never have it too good. The deeper we get into this the worst it's going to become. Either for me or for you or for everyone involved. That's what will happen. Currently I'm so happy that later the downfall will be more severe than it's been in the past. You're not another boy I randomly met and hit it off with immediately. Where we play phone/text tag for a few weeks before you decide you're still in love with you're ex-girlfriend or just not that into me. No, this is different, and that allows for a greater loss and a more difficult, albeit more obvious reason as to why I may eventually never hear from you again. I don't want that to happen though. This path only leads to two routes though, and you're the one who's forced to choose. Unless I choose for you, and that's when it will be me you never hear from again. But I don't want that. Every time I see you I hope I change my mind, I hope some lightbulb goes on inside my head or my heart that tells me, "No," and that's it. That hasn't happened yet, in fact it's been the complete opposite. The more I see you the more I feel for you and then when you leave I'm left with nothing but my thoughts of you. I feel sixteen again. And I like it. We'll figure things out. Eventually.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Mistakes I Knew I Was Making

At the moment I'm stuck somewhere in between caring way too much, and not caring at all. I haven't decided which is worse. Not caring at all is the usual route, and caring too much (or even a little bit) is stupid. Things have a very strange way of working themselves out. I'd like to say I didn't see any of it coming, but I did. I even came up ways to make sure it didn't happen, what I would say, how I would react. And I did try, believe me I did. But my guard was down and I wanted it to happen as badly as you made it blatantly obvious that you did. I shouldn't have let you be a gentleman and take me home. I wish you had been a gentleman by keeping your mouth shut. Now all I'm left with is words, so many words that you said. I knew what you had been thinking, you gave enough hints, and those hints were easy enough for me to ignore. Even when I started thinking about you differently, I knew my place and the reality of it and wanted to protect myself. Did you ever think about how this would affect me? Doubtful. It's easier to be selfish and say things you shouldn't say, do things you shouldn't do and blame someone else for them. I didn't ask for any of this, all I did was be there, be myself. I'm sorry for what happened, but I'm also not. You have no one to blame but yourself. You could have kept your honesty to yourself. That would have made my life easier, kept it simple. But no, now I'm stuck thinking about you and what happened and how things changed so quickly, so dramatically. Maybe it's time to look in the mirror, look at your life, and see what brought you to this, to me. A week ago you were nothing to me, I never gave a second thought to you and now you've cracked my shell that I've worked for years to build and protect. I wish I had another distraction, that's what usually happens. That's all they ever are to me anyway, pleasant distractions. And in a few days you changed that, made me think otherwise. You're still a distraction though, because I'm wasting my time and thoughts (and words) on you instead of something more productive. All I want is to see you, to talk to you and not pretend that nothing happened. It did, and why? Think about why what happened did. The connection was undeniable, and everything you said to me is impossible to ignore. I haven't been told things like that in years and it made me so, so happy and I couldn't believe someone out there was thinking about me in such a way. But all your proclamations were bittersweet, because they couldn't leave that room, nothing could come of them. So as I said, what was the point of saying anything at all? You should have left the conversation to books and beer.