Sunday, December 20, 2009

My Life Does Suck Without You

It's safe to say that I must have some emotionally manic disorder. I can feel so much one day and nothing at all the next. Maybe I've finally been able to cope with the reality of a certain situation and instead of wasting my energy agonizing over it for days or weeks, I'm over it a few hours later. I suppose that's better? Eventually I'll stop using my blog to bitch about men, but at least they've got me writing in this thing again. Something good come with something bad. I never cease to be amazed with how the universe allows for things to work out. Last week I was crazy about one person, then it becomes clear what was happening with that person is over. I was telling a co-worker of mine all about it. Afterwards she asked if I had heard from Mr. Big. I told her no, not in almost two months. That he never responded to an e-mail. She said she was sorry to hear that and that it sucks since we've known each other for so long. I then go to check my phone, who do I have an e-mail from? Yep. What were the chances that immediately following the unnravelment of my last, I don't know what to even call it, fling, I hear from him? I thought it took having him out of my life was what allowed me to meet new people and even genuinely like someone. (Then again, how much can you really like someone who already has a girlfriend?) It's strange how it always comes back to him. Even earlier that day I was thinking about how I have absolutely no one, not even Mr. Big, who was always there. Then poof, he's back. I have to wonder if he even received my last e-mail. If he did, then what took so long? If not, then I'm glad I inadvertantly looked like a strong woman who had had enough and ignored him.
I'm worried that things will go right back to how they were. Knowing how they were should make me prevent myself from feeling any frustration again. Argh. It always comes back to you, doesn't it? Your timing with this e-mail was eerily perfect. I had said that watch six months from now, after not hearing from Mr. Big the entire time I'll meet someone I'm mad about, and will have settled into some sort of relationship and that's when I'll hear from him and everything will turn dramatic like in a movie. And then I'd be forced to choose. And there'd be screaming and tears and kissing in the rain. Because that's what happens in movies! The likelihood of that actually happening in real life is slim, since it would take both me meeting someone who actually wants to be with me and is capable of committing, AND Mr. Big declaring his love for me. We're all allowed to have our fantasties, damnit.
So here I am again. I wish I could let go of this dream that one day we'll end up together. The past six months should have been enough for me to give it up. And I thought I had. But all it took was for you to be upset that I didn't want to talk to you anymore, that I've been out of your life completely for almost two months, to bring it all back. Of course now I'm waiting to hear back from you. And so it begins again. Good grief. I really need to stop switching between first and second person. At least my nonsense makes sense to me, that's all that matters anyway.

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