Monday, December 14, 2009

Kiss me just once more before we get there

Why am I okay with the prospect of never hearing from you again? You said you need time to think, but I was also really drunk and can only remember being dramatic and angry. I told you that you needed to leave so I could cry. You left for other reasons. But I still cried anyway. I haven't done that in awhile. It felt good in all the wrong ways but surprisingly it was cleansing. And I'm okay now. My roommate says that the minute I hear from you the cycle will begin again. He's right. And I'm an idiot. And I wish I wouldn't write about you in vague, meaningless blog posts. I wish none of this ever began. My life could have continued on and your only role in it would be to pour me a drink every now and then. I shouldn't want to be with someone who blames me for disrupting his life, his relationship by my mere existence. I think it's universally accepted that if you're completely happy in your situation you can easily resist temptation. One doesn't have to be miserable to throw it all away, but something must be missing. Why must we be afraid of taking risks? Now you're not talking to me because you need time to think. Something you claim you haven't truly done over the situation. Hopefully you ask yourself the question I've posed to you constantly. It shouldn't be as difficult to answer and you're making it be. You had your cake, you've eaten it. More than once. And now focus on the reality of what's happening. It's probably safe to assume you won't be coming to my party.

I'm going to look back on all these posts in a month, a year, and hate myself for ever thinking these things and actually putting them into words. So it goes.

Reading Hemingway at the moment. Not helping-

"You musn't. You must know. I can't stand it[You touching me], that's all. Oh darling, please understand!"
"Don't you love me?"
"Love you? I simply turn to jelly when you touch me."
"Isn't there anything we can do about it?...And there's not a damn thing we could do," I said.
"I don't know," she said. "I don't want to go through that hell again."
"We better keep away from each other."
"But, darling, I have to see you. It isn't all that you know."
"No, but it always gets to be."
"That's my fault. Don't we pay for all the things we do, though?"

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