Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Mistakes I Knew I Was Making
At the moment I'm stuck somewhere in between caring way too much, and not caring at all. I haven't decided which is worse. Not caring at all is the usual route, and caring too much (or even a little bit) is stupid. Things have a very strange way of working themselves out. I'd like to say I didn't see any of it coming, but I did. I even came up ways to make sure it didn't happen, what I would say, how I would react. And I did try, believe me I did. But my guard was down and I wanted it to happen as badly as you made it blatantly obvious that you did. I shouldn't have let you be a gentleman and take me home. I wish you had been a gentleman by keeping your mouth shut. Now all I'm left with is words, so many words that you said. I knew what you had been thinking, you gave enough hints, and those hints were easy enough for me to ignore. Even when I started thinking about you differently, I knew my place and the reality of it and wanted to protect myself. Did you ever think about how this would affect me? Doubtful. It's easier to be selfish and say things you shouldn't say, do things you shouldn't do and blame someone else for them. I didn't ask for any of this, all I did was be there, be myself. I'm sorry for what happened, but I'm also not. You have no one to blame but yourself. You could have kept your honesty to yourself. That would have made my life easier, kept it simple. But no, now I'm stuck thinking about you and what happened and how things changed so quickly, so dramatically. Maybe it's time to look in the mirror, look at your life, and see what brought you to this, to me. A week ago you were nothing to me, I never gave a second thought to you and now you've cracked my shell that I've worked for years to build and protect. I wish I had another distraction, that's what usually happens. That's all they ever are to me anyway, pleasant distractions. And in a few days you changed that, made me think otherwise. You're still a distraction though, because I'm wasting my time and thoughts (and words) on you instead of something more productive. All I want is to see you, to talk to you and not pretend that nothing happened. It did, and why? Think about why what happened did. The connection was undeniable, and everything you said to me is impossible to ignore. I haven't been told things like that in years and it made me so, so happy and I couldn't believe someone out there was thinking about me in such a way. But all your proclamations were bittersweet, because they couldn't leave that room, nothing could come of them. So as I said, what was the point of saying anything at all? You should have left the conversation to books and beer.