Tuesday, August 11, 2009

It's the same sorry story just the cast changes nightly

It appears that recently, the universe has been bending me over and making me take it from behind. Still no Courier New font. Sadists. On top of this, it, the universe, has also found old tricks to use in new ways to disrupt my life. Nothing huge, just mild mental/emotional abuse.

Today I saw a ghost. Not sheet over head, apparition of a former living human being sort of ghost. No, this one was much more frightening. If I wasn't already so pale, there would have been an obvious change in color when my face went white. Today I got a text from Him, the Aidan of my life. We haven't spoken in two years with the exception of the twice a year, obligatory "Happy Birthday" text or e-mail. His text, verbatim-"a cute old school version of you was my waitress today and it made me want to say hello and let you know im thinking about you. hope all is well with you"


After the initial shock, I told my gay I was with about it. I said, "old-school version of me? I already am old-school." Anyway. I couldn't believe it. You couldn't have waited two weeks until my birthday? I've seen tons of guys that look like you, and I don't text you. What do you think of me? Am I the girl you knew two years ago? Or do you have an idea of who I am now, through MySpace? And I really wish you didn't think of me, don't think of me. Maybe I've become jaded enough that I've decided that you don't deserve to think about me. You have her.

I dreamt two nights ago that he called me to tell me he had broken up with her. And I got angry because that wasn't a good reason to call me.

I was nice in my response, told him I'd love to catch up. Protocol. I can't decide within myself whether or not that's true. I think it is, but why? Hearing from him, and realizing that, and almost being annoyed at this, felt good. I guess. I think I could see him, and be...emotionless isn't the right word...hm...just knowing that talking to him will only be talking to him.

This all comes in the midst of Mr. Big and I not being able to talk. Nothing about us...for reasons known to me he's hard to get into contact with. And this is a kind of situation I could have used instant access. Ugh.

The thing is, after the idea of "catching-up" entered my head, I loved the idea of telling Aidan, Well I'm not seeing anyone per se, but there is someone in my life, he just lives in a different state. You might remember him..." Aidan and Mr. Big have met. once. Aidan's best friend is Mr. Big's former best/really good friend. Oh yeah, nothing involving me. Just chance employment at the same place. I love stuff like that though, even if it's weird and not good. Seriously, what are the odds??? So yeah, I'm head of heels about someone else, someone who's been through my past, is in the present and I see a future with. That feels damn good. Aidan has no reason to care, but I hope he does. And I hope he's the happiest he could ever be with her. I'm not sober right now and I have to leave to meet a gay at a bar. That's the only way I could think to conclude this. I'll take it.

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